Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
