how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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