oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
