you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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