If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
4 words: hood of his car
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
