This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
