just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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