I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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