She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
