trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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