You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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