im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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