he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
