News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
