please come you make the beer taste better
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
