alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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