Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
