Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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