She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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