she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
