he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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