forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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