i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
