I am puke
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
