but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
