Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
