ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I have tasted many bathrooms
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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