so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
