yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
