it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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