I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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