i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
