apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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