she was so not down for the gang bang
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
