I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
