I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
