I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
