I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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