I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
