I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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