Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
