I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
