I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
