Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
