Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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