She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
