I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
