Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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