First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
