I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
