So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
