I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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