Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
