I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
