with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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