Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
