So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Quick, to the slutcave!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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