he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
