Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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