like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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