The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
